Hi Dance

How you doing, sis

Long time no exchange

I missed you

You’re the most consistent relationship of my life

Endless reciprocity

Opportunities

Friendships

And our time with the children saved me, ong

But we needed this break

Space

You expanded me

Provided an outlet for emotions I wasn’t allowed to express

Refined me

But you also brought me to dark places with ill-intentioned people

Activated my arrogance

Contending with invisible energies for unobtainable rewards

Hungry for someone else’s dream

Smokescreens & Somatization

Twenty-five years to self-mastery

To finally understand the truth behind why you found me

Chose me

Why movement lives in me

Why it’s like breathing

You are an extension of my heart

A safe haven for praise,

and a well stroked Leo mane

But you were born of rebellion

Destiny taken into my own hands

An autonomous toddler who only honored true authority

Placed freedom before technique

Power unleashed

Awakened

I’m ready to return to you

And I know you’ll accept me

I promise it’s about us now

What we want

Internal communion and alignment

No validation needed

Just you, me and magic

Thank you, old friend and welcome back

I’m fortunate to have been born a millennial

An 80s baby,

Who thoroughly enjoyed the perceived comfort of the 90s

Came of age during the chaotic beauty of the aughts

And survived the tumultuous 2010s

When I was a child, I felt free

As a teenager, restricted

Early adulthood had moments of greatness

But my late 20s reset the course of my life in ways I couldn’t predict

I was confronted with a truth I had always known

I’m Black

A black woman to be exact

And while the expression of my being attracts so much good

not everyone likes it

Or wants to see it

To see me as I am

Immersed in diversity all the way through college,

Friends of every kind

Then one day, it stops

And suddenly, I wasn’t Rachel

The gifted child, the dancer, the aspiring leader

Labeled a nuisance,

A trouble maker

My light no longer welcome

Disregarded

When I was in it, I could barely make sense of what was happening

I held on because I had to

For as long as I could

Then the world darkened to blackest black

And I accepted our reality

God says we are free and we always were

But the laws of man are written in a different ink

On eight and a half by eleven

Keeping us frozen, unchanging, unevolved

Then BOOM

Twenty Twenty

When time stood still

And the planets realigned

We were jettisoned into a new age

The age of restored humanity

And the darkness gave my light its definition

Now I have the right kind of motivation

A renewed purpose

Jumped out of the tower again and again

I see me clearly now

The love I shared and parts of my soul I planted

My brilliance

Redirected toward the only work that matters

And now I know just how free I always was

I can’t hear the voices so loudly anymore

Barely remember the faces

I pray for their healing and I release them

Because unlike them, I know I’m free

And I have work to do

A life to build

A legacy to leave

Every eye can’t see that I’m free

But it damn sure feels like it to me

7/10/21

Senses, heightened

Hearing’s sharper

Sight’s clearer

Feeling deeper

Faith restored

Vigilance, hyper

Stepping outside like making an offering

Now an even exchange

Dressed in full regalia

Adorned, aglow, aware

A Queen maneuvering the masses

The perennial pink elephant

A departing train

A kind stranger

Basked in the sunlight

An even exchange

Tending to my inner and outer gardens

And a white cat with black & beige marks

Tuning in,

I overhear a conversation

Nodding in agreement

Masking my giggles

Opining internally

A voyeur replete

…Tuning out

Lost in my love language

Page by page, note by note

Rhythmically aligned with my astral love

My spiritual counterpart

Whom I await with bated breath

Slowed my pace

Withdrew from the rat race

Present again, I see new horizons

And galaxies

And supernovas

In all the things and all the people

Younger me so light and free

Bold, unwavering and confident

Standing up for the little ones, with her little self

But she was brand new to this life

Unaware of the real dangers out there

Obstructed from the truth

Ill equipped to embody her potential

Loved and doted on because childhood is easier

Then shift happened

Adolescence gave way to the blooming young adult

Re-learning to love herself

Much of the insecurity and restriction of middle school left behind

One foot hastily fleeing childhood and the other desperately clinging to it

Tapping into the big three, although she didn’t know them yet

She was outspoken and brave

A five foot two tall rude gyal

Balancing her wants and needs

She was getting serious about who she is,

who she wanted to be,

And the mark she will leave on this planet

Again, the tools were not accessible

Or maybe were they hidden?

Support became disdain

An overflow of displeasure and rejection

Bullied by grown-ups, the supposed stewards

Very few could prepare her for what was to come

And so she entered the unknown as-is

My college self, whom I hold in high regard

Ready to taste all of life’s experiences

Make new friends on her terms

And live her life

But she was directionless

Mid-vibrational at best

And she stayed that way

Then the shadow appeared

I asked her name and she said ‘Loose Lizzie’

But that didn’t mean she was open to anyone

Or that she sank ships

And there’s no correlation to my sacral station

It was about loosening

The binds and restrictions

The false programming

Unmerited authority

And the lies she was told about herself

Woman thou art loosed type shit

But boy she was reckless

Thoughtless

And I couldn’t understand why this sleeping giant was roused

The subconscious on full display

A storm raging inside

Of repression

Suppression

Shame

Indignity

Utterly uninhibited

She was too open

To too much

And she made me vulnerable

Exposed

And then it was just us

Reflecting on the past

Hoping for the future

Working toward improving the present

We reached an accord

I learned to integrate her

Embrace her

Love her

Because although she is me, she’s not all of me

Now I have to protect her

And conceal her

But she is always welcome at my table

I cared for her

Healed with her

And led us toward a better existence

We helped each other

I am so proud of her

Inspired by her tenacity

Her mystical manifestations

And we will always root for each other

So she’s here

I am more careful with her

You should be too

See another person asking me what I’m “doing.” Like what is one’s goal in asking that question? The best answer to give? Working on a project, managing expectations, having your sixth existential crisis this year? I think I know what they want to hear, but when you aren’t doing those things or comfortable sharing, what do you say? I don’t relish making people feel uncomfortable or alienated, but I’m not doing the things valued in society. There is work being done, but that isn’t their concern. I’ll share when I feel ready, or as close as I can get. Feeling prudent, polished and protected. My art reflects my life and it’s as unfinished as I am. So I’m doing nothing. I’m learning to be. I’m uncovering the unknown, my subconscious. I’m reconstructing my identity. I’m becoming disciplined and structured and balancing my responsibilities. I’m loving myself. I’m learning what healthy looks like for me. I’m accepting the people in my life as they are. I am becoming informed, less judgmental, slower to react and more at ease. My tribe is waiting and everyone and anything else is what I have to face to find them. I embrace the awkwardness, the melancholy, the transitions, the entrances and exits, the deepening. I am no one, but I am becoming the someone I’m meant to be.